So my largest personal insecurity, for sure, is how I see myself as a father. I’ve been a dad for a long time now, actually over 42 years. (That does make me pretty old) I’m a father, a stepfather, and a grandfather. Fatherhood for me is my most important responsibility, and is all encompassing within my emotional self. Rarely does something happen during the day that leaves me far from thinking of myself as either a father, stepfather or grandfather. I am not sure why I feel the way I do about my quality of fatherhood. Perhaps part of it is the divorces that I put my children through. There is a certain amount of guilt there. Getting a little defensive, each time I got divorced I pledged to be the best father I could be, yet I can look back on some deficiencies in those attempts. During their childhood my children had difficulties in certain areas of their lives, and always thinking I can fix anything, perhaps there is guilt in their past suffering through their travails. Even today, as they are all adults, I see them having the normal difficulties of life and wish I could do more. I believe that this is their time to learn, and grow so I don’t interfere unless they ask me to. I didn’t have the closest relationship with my father, and perhaps I am putting those feelings on my relationships with my children.
I know that emotions, and their source can run very deep. I have learned through a lot of experience that whatever feels negative in my life is never as bad as the worst of it, and so I am sure that I am a better father than I give myself credit for.
At this moment I am welling up with emotion, because Greg just came into my office and gave me a hug and wished me a happy fathers day.
I might never lose these insecurities, but I know what’s real and what’s not. This, for sure, will be a Happy Fathers Day.