Who am I, or not? That is the first question I asked myself on my journey to discovering awareness.
So I’m in the shower, and it’s a place that I do my best thinking. I know why that happens, like I know why almost everything happens to me.
I thought of this in the shower because I love taking a shower so much. I love taking a shower so much because it is warm in the shower, and my house is so cold (thanks honey) all the time that it’s a kind of temperate refuge for me. When we do something we love, whatever that is, (even taking a shower) we are clear from the distractions of our mind. We think clearly. We..think…clearly. You see, the incessant voice in our head, which some call our mind is NOT US talking. It is not us? When I first heard that I laughed. What do you mean it is not us? It sounds like me, it is inside me, no one hears it but me.
But it’s not the real us. It’s not the higher form of who we actually are. The voice is our doubts, fears, anxieties and/or competitive needs. It’s an entity that tries to keep us separate from everyone else. It’s why we feel the need to be better than everyone else. Why we are always right and everyone is wrong. Why our religion is better. It’s why we value competition so much. Basically it’s our ego telling us whatever “it” needs to do to thrive, and the thriving of our ego is counterproductive to our happiness. Our ego has an “us and them” mentality. If we are separate from everyone in all things then the ego thrives. If we believe in universal love, and full equality for all then the ego dies. War dies, and hate dies. Our ego is only from us and our world, living in us, but not actually who we are.
What child is born with hate and fear? Our ego is the creation of all our time in this world, from the moment we were born until right now. Our ego is the construct of what we were taught directly, as in lessons by parents, teachers, and people of influence in our lives, and what we were taught by innuendo, such as the disapproving glance our moms gave us, or the subtle snicker our friends reflected towards us, or the memory of a very distant trauma that is relived over and over. But for sure, it is not the real us. We think we are our mind (ego, voice in the head) and so we “act” as if this is true and react to what the voice tells us. Our mind only speaks of the past or the future, and never of the moment. We worry about the future, and we lament the past. Happiness, and the richness of life comes not from the past or the future but from enjoying every moment as it happens. Only when we are “in the moment”, when we are doing something we enjoy, are absorbed by happiness, and comfort can we for just a few minutes quiet the inane voice in our head.
So in answer to this so very important question, Who am I?, I must say that it is very simple. I am Alan. I am a father, son, husband, friend…. I am love. In today’s world it is easier to describe who and what I am not. I am not fear and all that fear brings, such as hate, separation, envy, and anger. I am not the voice in my head. I am part of this universe, sending out as much positive energy as I can, and receiving it back from the universe in equal measure. I am joy, happiness, and bliss. Through meditation I found my connection to our universe, and do not identify with anything which separates me from all people and all living things, such as competition, religion, or personal philosophy. In return I receive “help” in my life from the universe, in the form of positive energy and signals in the form of my intuition. It is certainly available to all of us. You just need to see that it’s there. To be aware that it’s there.